I am One Wedge of Pain

I said tonight in my personal blog that each of us IKs are one single wedge of pain. I wanted a chance to explain what I meant as best I can.

Okay, so I guess that doesn't make sense by itself. You're probably reading this and thinking "Why is that girl named Toby, and what the heck is she talking about 'wedges of pain?'" Okay, I get it. Even if you've been doing ageplay for a while, you might not know what I'm talking about. In some circles, it's considered impossible for a single big person to have more than one inner kid while others allow people to go crazy with twenty or thirty at a time. I think that we, as a group are somewhere in the middle. We take a more moderate approach. It's not uncommon for one person to have three, four, or even five inner kids. Heck, there are six of us registered on this blog alone! And each of us represents one wedge of our big person's pain. We each take as much as a whole person can handle, because our big person can't handle it wholly.

So let me get to the gist of what I want to say, because this really is about me. My wedge is the rejection pain, and the resulting fear or rejection. My biggest trigger is being rejected. And it doesn't take much. You look at me funny, walk away from me at the wrong time, say the wrong word, and I fall apart. My big person, as an adopted person, has faced a lot of rejection throughout her life.

Rachel shares some of this wedge, but then, she's an overachiever and she's trying to take over all of the hurts at once. I really think that Nat and Drew are helping her to deal with that, forcing her to be more realistic in her personal expectations for herself. Because she has the rejection pain, and the abandonment pain, and the "not good enough" struggle. While I push people away, she pulls them back. I guess Rachel's my damage control (except that she's been out of control lately).

Anyway, that's about all that I can explain right now. I wish I could do better. If you've got questions, please feel free to ask them. I'll try my best to answer them, or maybe one of the rest of us will manage.