Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to be getting all of this figured out. I should have some kind of logical concept of what it means to be wanted and needed and loved, but at the same time, it feels as though I'm stumbling around in the dark bumping into things and trying to figure out which one of them is actually soft and warm and which are going to turn cold the moment I do something wrong.
I know I'm lucky. I have a parent, and that should be enough. If I need him, he's there, and unlike a lot of people who are like me (inner kids, I mean), I live with him. No, he's not my biological parent, and he's not related to my big person in a direct way either. Interestingly, he's a lot like me in terms of where he comes from. You could say he's another "alter ego" the way that I am, but I hate thinking of myself that way. It's so much easier to just be an individual, but sometimes it's hard when you've got so many other people competing for attention with you. And you really have to accept the fact that we're all just parasites, don't you?
Last night was a particularly emotional one, because I can hear everything that my big person says in a discussion with the people around her, and it just so happens that we live with... Well, we live with Kit, who happens to be (for lack of a better term, which I don't have) the host for both Andrew and Evan. They were talking about what to do about the living situation (on the site where we let loose and play a bit) for me, Andrew, Evan, his brother Kyle, and their father and his girlfriend. A little complicated, but the long and short of it is that I don't want us living at his parents' house, and he doesn't want to be away from Kyle or under Andrew's authority.
Uh... I had a little breakdown. I guess some people would say it was a temper tantrum, but it's kind of scary when you're wondering whether or not you're going to be rejected because you aren't particularly convenient. I know that it's not fair to Evan or to Andrew, but the fear was there. I should have thought things through differently, but sometimes it's easy just to be emotional.
I guess I'm going to have to let our Big do some explanation of how "role playing" affects us, because to be honest, it's all real to us. It doesn't matter if it's just role playing and words on a screen. It's real in some way or another.
And now the world will know how crazy we are.
