I'm Me Again

It's been one of those days, let me tell you! I don't even want to get into the math final that I failed this afternoon. I'd much rather curl up with a cup of hot cocoa, a bowl of popcorn, and enjoy the Christmas lights and some nice holiday music. I want to get into that Christmas spirit and have a little faith again that everything's gonna be alright. Cause right now I just don't quite believe it, and I'm feelin' awful down.

Tonight I been thinkin' a lot about the fact that somebody said to me once that I'm scary. It's the kind of thing somebody says an' then you just kind of smile an' move on about your business, except that, as I said to my sister, at the time I just kind of buried myself under the basement and cried. For three years. Well, maybe not quite all of three years, but it was pretty close to that. Because not only am I scary, but this person didn't wanna be anywhere I was. If there was a group I played on, he didn't wanna be there cause I scared him an' I was bad. There was somethin' wrong with me an that meant that everythin' was fine with him. Couldn't have been that maybe he was bein' mean an' that there wasn't anythin' wrong with me a'tall.

I guess I just want somebody to listen. I'm not thinkin' anybody really reads my silly little blog out here, but I'm just sayin' that I'm lonely right now an' it really sucks to wonder whether or not you really are scary. Cause I never meant to scare anybody, no matter what. And I guess you could say that it hurts my feelin's a lot to know that somethin' I did or said scared somebody bad enough that they didn't want to be around me. I guess that's how the world works, but it ain't like anybody's got the right to tell me I can't live in my own home, and that's what this person did. Told me I couldn't live in my own damned home!

Dealing with Difficult Times... As an Inner Kid

Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to be getting all of this figured out. I should have some kind of logical concept of what it means to be wanted and needed and loved, but at the same time, it feels as though I'm stumbling around in the dark bumping into things and trying to figure out which one of them is actually soft and warm and which are going to turn cold the moment I do something wrong.

I know I'm lucky. I have a parent, and that should be enough. If I need him, he's there, and unlike a lot of people who are like me (inner kids, I mean), I live with him. No, he's not my biological parent, and he's not related to my big person in a direct way either. Interestingly, he's a lot like me in terms of where he comes from. You could say he's another "alter ego" the way that I am, but I hate thinking of myself that way. It's so much easier to just be an individual, but sometimes it's hard when you've got so many other people competing for attention with you. And you really have to accept the fact that we're all just parasites, don't you?

Last night was a particularly emotional one, because I can hear everything that my big person says in a discussion with the people around her, and it just so happens that we live with... Well, we live with Kit, who happens to be (for lack of a better term, which I don't have) the host for both Andrew and Evan. They were talking about what to do about the living situation (on the site where we let loose and play a bit) for me, Andrew, Evan, his brother Kyle, and their father and his girlfriend. A little complicated, but the long and short of it is that I don't want us living at his parents' house, and he doesn't want to be away from Kyle or under Andrew's authority.

Uh... I had a little breakdown. I guess some people would say it was a temper tantrum, but it's kind of scary when you're wondering whether or not you're going to be rejected because you aren't particularly convenient. I know that it's not fair to Evan or to Andrew, but the fear was there. I should have thought things through differently, but sometimes it's easy just to be emotional.

I guess I'm going to have to let our Big do some explanation of how "role playing" affects us, because to be honest, it's all real to us. It doesn't matter if it's just role playing and words on a screen. It's real in some way or another.

And now the world will know how crazy we are.

I am One Wedge of Pain

I said tonight in my personal blog that each of us IKs are one single wedge of pain. I wanted a chance to explain what I meant as best I can.

Okay, so I guess that doesn't make sense by itself. You're probably reading this and thinking "Why is that girl named Toby, and what the heck is she talking about 'wedges of pain?'" Okay, I get it. Even if you've been doing ageplay for a while, you might not know what I'm talking about. In some circles, it's considered impossible for a single big person to have more than one inner kid while others allow people to go crazy with twenty or thirty at a time. I think that we, as a group are somewhere in the middle. We take a more moderate approach. It's not uncommon for one person to have three, four, or even five inner kids. Heck, there are six of us registered on this blog alone! And each of us represents one wedge of our big person's pain. We each take as much as a whole person can handle, because our big person can't handle it wholly.

So let me get to the gist of what I want to say, because this really is about me. My wedge is the rejection pain, and the resulting fear or rejection. My biggest trigger is being rejected. And it doesn't take much. You look at me funny, walk away from me at the wrong time, say the wrong word, and I fall apart. My big person, as an adopted person, has faced a lot of rejection throughout her life.

Rachel shares some of this wedge, but then, she's an overachiever and she's trying to take over all of the hurts at once. I really think that Nat and Drew are helping her to deal with that, forcing her to be more realistic in her personal expectations for herself. Because she has the rejection pain, and the abandonment pain, and the "not good enough" struggle. While I push people away, she pulls them back. I guess Rachel's my damage control (except that she's been out of control lately).

Anyway, that's about all that I can explain right now. I wish I could do better. If you've got questions, please feel free to ask them. I'll try my best to answer them, or maybe one of the rest of us will manage.